Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Girly Cait vs Nerd Cait

So I stayed up late last night watching Tuck Everlasting, and counting and rereading my Letters from Lance....essentially loosing my Tomboy card, which I will have no hope to regain until  I see Captain America, in theaters.
But then, after awing and weeping and into my Haagen Dazs, I eentered Literary Nerd mode- most likely this was a natural defense mechanism against the encroaching disease of Girly Cait - and promptly analyzed the movie.

And this is the conclusion that I reached...Winnie...is a bitch.

I mean seriously! The way the movie ends - spoilers ahead sorry...not that I think anyone reading this is actually that intent on watching Tuck Everlasting - it wants to leave you thinking "Oh it's totally ok she decided not to drink from the well, good for you girl! Make up your own mind, live a full life, awesome. You're totally right, immortality probably isn't all it's cracked up to be." and you're happy at the end of the movie. And then the credits role, and everyone leaves happy for Winnie.

But I must ask...what about Tuck. What about the dude who's now immortal, who we left sitting at the grave of the girl he loved. The movie's like "Hey, be happy for Winnie!" but no dear movie - and book - I will not be! Because Winnie is a bitch! Let's look at the facts, hmm?

1- Tuck practically gives her the gift of immortality. He's pretty much set for every Valentines day after this....ever. And what does Winnie do with this awesomesauce gift? She throws it away. Seals it over with concrete to be exact.


2- This brings us to our second "Why Winnie is a bitch" fact  - SHE SEALS OVER THE WELL OF IMMORTALITY WITH CONCRETE! So she essentially took away the right of anyone ever, to decide for themselves if they want immortality. Hey, Winnie, you got to choose for yourself if it was a curse or a gift - why not let other people have the same damn chance.

Bitch AND Immortality Cock Blocker.

3- Tuck's poor poor brother recounts his tragedy to Winnie - the whole story of his wife leaving him, growing old and dying, and she sees first hand the after effects this plays on his immortal mind and the fact that now he has to live with that sorrow...forever, and yet she thinks "Hey, no big deal, I'll just do the same exact damn thing to Tuck."

Time-Spanning Bitch.

4- Let's not forget the fact that Tuck loves her. TOTALLY LOVES HER. And she was all like "I love you too!" when he leaves. But apparently.....she was just kidding.

5- Not only does she move on...she moves on, marries another dude, has children, and then DIES. Worst. Insult. Ever.

6- Let's not forget the very very important fact that Tuck actually loves her. THE DUDE LOVES HER! I mean come on! He waited a century for her! A CENTURY! (Granted that was poor planning on his part, he could've waited a year or two instead)

It all basically adds up to the fact that Tuck completely loved her, and will until he dies (which by the way is oh...NEVER) and Winnie, Winnie is a Mega-Bitch.


  1. You still have your man card baby!! You are so hard core :)

    F@#$ that bitch !!!

  2. New Urban Dictionary definition of (Winnie)- MEGA BITCH, said with the deep echoing voice you used to hear in old arcade games, followed by the electronic powering up sound effect :D