Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Girly Cait vs Nerd Cait

So I stayed up late last night watching Tuck Everlasting, and counting and rereading my Letters from Lance....essentially loosing my Tomboy card, which I will have no hope to regain until  I see Captain America, in theaters.
But then, after awing and weeping and into my Haagen Dazs, I eentered Literary Nerd mode- most likely this was a natural defense mechanism against the encroaching disease of Girly Cait - and promptly analyzed the movie.

And this is the conclusion that I reached...Winnie...is a bitch.

I mean seriously! The way the movie ends - spoilers ahead sorry...not that I think anyone reading this is actually that intent on watching Tuck Everlasting - it wants to leave you thinking "Oh it's totally ok she decided not to drink from the well, good for you girl! Make up your own mind, live a full life, awesome. You're totally right, immortality probably isn't all it's cracked up to be." and you're happy at the end of the movie. And then the credits role, and everyone leaves happy for Winnie.

But I must ask...what about Tuck. What about the dude who's now immortal, who we left sitting at the grave of the girl he loved. The movie's like "Hey, be happy for Winnie!" but no dear movie - and book - I will not be! Because Winnie is a bitch! Let's look at the facts, hmm?

1- Tuck practically gives her the gift of immortality. He's pretty much set for every Valentines day after this....ever. And what does Winnie do with this awesomesauce gift? She throws it away. Seals it over with concrete to be exact.


2- This brings us to our second "Why Winnie is a bitch" fact  - SHE SEALS OVER THE WELL OF IMMORTALITY WITH CONCRETE! So she essentially took away the right of anyone ever, to decide for themselves if they want immortality. Hey, Winnie, you got to choose for yourself if it was a curse or a gift - why not let other people have the same damn chance.

Bitch AND Immortality Cock Blocker.

3- Tuck's poor poor brother recounts his tragedy to Winnie - the whole story of his wife leaving him, growing old and dying, and she sees first hand the after effects this plays on his immortal mind and the fact that now he has to live with that sorrow...forever, and yet she thinks "Hey, no big deal, I'll just do the same exact damn thing to Tuck."

Time-Spanning Bitch.

4- Let's not forget the fact that Tuck loves her. TOTALLY LOVES HER. And she was all like "I love you too!" when he leaves. But apparently.....she was just kidding.

5- Not only does she move on...she moves on, marries another dude, has children, and then DIES. Worst. Insult. Ever.

6- Let's not forget the very very important fact that Tuck actually loves her. THE DUDE LOVES HER! I mean come on! He waited a century for her! A CENTURY! (Granted that was poor planning on his part, he could've waited a year or two instead)

It all basically adds up to the fact that Tuck completely loved her, and will until he dies (which by the way is oh...NEVER) and Winnie, Winnie is a Mega-Bitch.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Dippin Dots

I remember how much I wanted - no needed - the Dippin Dots Icecream when I was a kid. I only ever saw it in these giant vending machines - which helped aid in the awesomeness - at the Kennedy Space Center, where of course they were advertised as the "ice cream of the future!". I always imagined kids in bright pastel one-piece clothing running around through clear tubes in space, chasing after a hovering ice cream truck driving through some floating space metropolis, shoveling  the adorable little beads of dairy goodness into their futuristic mouths. So of course I had to have it too. I would always tug on my mom as we passed by, pleading for it, and I would always get the same response: that it was too expensive, and that for less money my mom would buy me a carton of icecream on the way home. But that...that was devastatingly "present". How was I supposed to be like Buzz Aldrin if I was stuck eating normal icecream scoops? So I would always pout - "Mom! I don't care that it costs like 5 dollars! It's in little beads- like styrofoam packaging! ASTRONAUTS EAT IT! I. NEED. IT!"

Of course that amazing Franklin and Bash style rebuttal got me no where, and each time I would eat my cornily space-themed kids meal in silent malice, chewing the space nuggets with scorn, imagining them to be the souls of each lucky kid I watched march up to the machine and walk away with a precious bit of Dippin Dots in their cupped hands.

Years later, as an adult I found myself again, face to face with the wonderous Dippin Dots machine. I stared into it's glass menagerie and hugged the over-sized vending machine, whispering to the selection buttons,
"We meet again!"
But this time there was no mother to say no.
This time I had my own money.
This time. I would be victorious.

I giddily fed the machine my money, not noticing the passerbys who eyed me with "wtf" glances, as I most likely sang a made up song about the amazing-ness of Dippin Dots while I punched in my selection. And then, as if mana from heaven, the machine lovingly dropped a little plastic cup into my hands. I skipped away, looking down at my prize thinking,
"Future - I have arrived!"
And promptly ripped the plastic lining off the top, ready for my mind to be blown....

And then.....my world was shattered.

Because you see...the main allure to Dippin Dots is that you get a mixed flavor, and then the food greets your eyes with joyous pinks and browns and whites, or greens, or whatever flavor you picked - and you feel like you've hopped into a Delorian and sped off the to future. But I...I had picked Vanilla......Vanilla. What kind of future kid am I?!

So all that greeted my over-excited eyes was a tiny plastic bowl filled with...tiny plastic-looking color-less beads. It looked like a McDonald's ball pit that had the all the fun sucked out of it. To protect my fragile space dream, I rallied a plastic smile to match and thought - "It's future ice cream! Everything's white and grey in the future!"

And then I tried a bite.
And then put the spoon down.
And apologized to my mother. Because it tasted like styrofoam.

I walked away from the Dippin Dots machine that day, 5 dollars poorer and disappointed.

And I thought - "Poor, poor astronauts."